10.08.2009

Big News

There are some big changes taking place in my life right now and instead of telling the tale over and over, I am posting it here for my friends and family to see. For those of you who just read my blog for crafty stuff, I will have a new free pattern up by Saturday so just come back in a few days.

Philip and I have decided to get a divorce. We have been struggling for the last two years to hold the marriage together which has caused more pain and suffering than either of us really deserved. This entry is just my thoughts and feelings on the events of the last few days.

Philip has been having an affair off and on during this time with a co-worker named Charley and he fell head-over-heels in love with her. I have known about the affair from the beginning and I tried to leave, but Philip kept pulling me back insisting that we could make our marriage work. I love Philip, he is my best friend and I would do anything in the world for him, but the fact is, I haven't been in love with Philip for quite some time. I stayed in the relationship because I couldn't bare to see him hurt and I couldn't bare the thought of losing his family who have been a big part of my life for the last 13 years, but that ended up hurting both of us (and her) more than we ever could have imagined.

On Monday morning I finally decided that I couldn't take any more of this pain and I asked Philip to leave (this is actually a pretty funny story, but I am not sure Philip wants me to share it.) Later that evening, he came back to the apartment and we started to fall into the angry fighting cycle again and somewhere in the middle of the crying and yelling there was a moment of clarity. Suddenly, we realized that we need each other's friendship and we started working out a plan to dissolve the marriage and keep the friendship. From that moment on, everything was easier.

Philip had originally planned to continue paying for the bills and the rent so that I could stay at the apartment until the lease is up while he moved into Charley's tiny place. I refused this offer because I don't like the idea of being that dependent, plus that would cause a lot of financial stress on the two of them which is something that they really don't need when they are just starting out. I convinced him that it would be best for all parties involve if I moved out and they move into our apartment. He finally agreed to call her and talk to her about the idea and within minutes I was on the phone telling her how great our neighborhood is and inviting her over to see the place. The night was a surreal cyclone of events. Philip and I went to pick up Charley so that she could see the apartment and decide if it was a feasable plan. On the drive over I told Philip that I really wanted to stay friends, but if seeing them together was too hard, I might have to stay back for while. We picked her up and drove back to the apartment and I showed her around. While the situation was a little weird, it felt natural and seeing Philip happy again gave me hope that I could be happy again. I didn't feel anger or jealousy or any of those other feelings that I was supposed to feel, only love- my heart was completely swollen with love for the two of them.

The most difficult part of all of this has been telling the family. Telling my family was scary, but at least I knew that they would be there for me through all of this, the idea of loosing the love and support of Philip's parents absolutely tore me up inside. For half of my life they have embraced me as one of their own and I love them like I love my parents. Last night Philip and I went over to his parents' house to break the news. It was horrible and wonderful. Everyone was in tears, but in the end Sally said that I will always be a part of their family which meant so much to me. After it was over I felt like a giant weight had been lifted. I dropped Philip off at Charley's and ended up hanging out with the two of them for a little while. On my drive home I felt the happiest I have felt in months and I know that this is the best decision for all parties involved.

I have a freedom now that I haven't felt since Philip and I lived apart. At the beginning of all of this Philip and I went into couples councelling and I made a lot of changes to my lifestyle that were supposed to make our marriage better. I gave up a lot of the things that make me who I am. I lost my independence and gave up a lot of my social activities. I started to feel really tied down to a situation that wasn't making me happy and I couldn't seem to get out.

I know that the circumstances of the situation are not ideal, but none of that can be changed now. Philip knows that the way he handled this situation is wrong and he is very ashamed. I have always said that you can't help who you fall in love with or when it happens and I still believe that. Charley is a better match for Philip than I ever was and he is lucky to have found her and very lucky that she stuck with him through all of this mess. I have forgiven Philip and plan to keep him in my life as my best friend and though you might be angry with him for the lies and deciet, don't be angry at him for finding love.

Finally, please don't feel sorry for me or pity me. I am making some big changes and the future is scary, but it's also exciting. I need your love and support and I need you to know that this is the best thing that could have happened to me. I am so tired of hearing "oh no" and "I am so sorry," I would much rather hear "good for you" and "congratulations."

5 comments:

Annie said...

I'm really happy for you! I know were aren't like "Best Friends" or anything - but - I can relate a lot to your post and understand what you mean. I am jealous of your clarity and maturity and am very happy to that there is a resolution to something that must have been unbearable.

Anna said...

well done at being so level headed about it and making the changes you need to make your life what you want it to be. My marriage ended almost 2 years ago now and I am so much happier now, and like you I have brought things back into my life that I had sacrificed for the marriage. Best of luck to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Robyn. Three things I want to say upon reading your latest post...

1. Yes - congratulations! You, and my friend Sue Alexander, and a few others that I have known, have been able to "pull off", if you will, a peacable divorce, where you can think for the greatest good. I never have. I admire the hell out of people like you!

2. I have stayed in relationships far longer than I should have, because I was more bonded with the family, so I very much understand you there!

3. When I went for marriage counseling in my last marriage it was all about ME making changes and giving up MY things that brought ME happiness and - well - ME. He didn't have to give up a thing! In your case, more serious (he didn't give up his Charley horse, did he?). I'm wondering if this is standard practice in marital counseling?! Now, I'm seeing a (negative) pattern, and, am I pissed!

My concern is that you find a good place to live w/ Astrid with her health change.

My comment is that - gee, your life seems to be "under construction" all over, including the street your store is on!

I am holding you in my heart,
Jeannee
edisonmyndiecoco@yahoo.com

pi said...

you're an amazing and strong person! thank you for sharing your story :)

Anonymous said...

a very mature way to handle a bad situation. and I get the losing yourself in a marriage. I have no clue who i am anymore and I realize I am a different person around him and I am just not ready to walk away but you are brave to realize it was unhealthy for you. You're a bit over generous with them but you're you and I'm me. Good luck